01 November 2012

In reclamation

I am reclaiming my life and my identity.  It's been a full month since I blogged and that leaves me antsy because, frankly, if I don't unload my various neuroses here, I will end up dragging them around with me.  And who needs all that misery?

The label photographer has always left me uneasy.  But inexplicably, instead of using that to inform my decision-making, I did the exact opposite.  I forged headlong toward an entire business that I had no intention of promoting and from which I had no intention of profiting, personally or financially.  It was primarily because I had difficulty saying no to people who hinted at, requested, or even demanded my photography.  It's been a little over 3 years since I launched SEEN by Lam and I've finally learned to say no.  In fact, I've been telling most of my potential clients that I was booked this year and only took on 3 commissions for family portraiture for the pre-holiday months, my busiest season all year long.  I've even backed off from Class Photographer duties, having fully relinquished the title in A2's class and ceased uploading images entirely for A1's class.  (Okay, I've been weak about those photo rosters and am finishing one tonight and shot another one this morning for later editing, but that it!  I'm done with those!).

My photo storage site auto-renewed and my web hosting has yet to expire.  But once these deadlines roll around, I will discontinue both.  I've just deleted my (thoroughly neglected) FB page and have long since rid myself of the Twitter feed (I still don't know what tweeting is all about!).

So all of this begs the question of why I would get so carried away on a path that was never mine to begin with--and why would I subject this poor blog to such torture by dedicating so many entries to whether I wanted to continue offering my photography services.  I already knew the answer (i.e., I am NOT a photographer [for hire]), but I still walked around with this mask, presenting an outward self that was completely inauthentic.  Maybe I will come up with an answer one day or maybe I will just have to forgive myself this detour and move on.  I might just also admit that it wasn't all bad.  I loved capturing moments that reveal the truth about a client's family--those images still stay with me.  I certainly enjoyed being able to re-invest in the business with new gear.  I appreciate that all that practice made me better at capturing my own kids, which was always my true objective anyhow.

So here are some random pics of the kids at the beach that have nothing to do with the text in this post.

Right before sunset:

Right after sunset:

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