01 July 2012

Guilty fantasies

Of the many activities we crammed into our 10 days in New York was a visit to Times Square.  I probably shouldn't start posting vacation images by showing people to whom I'm not even related but I was so excited to see these two different crews doing motion capture with DSLR rigs:

I know I've barely figured out stills with my camera but I am so thrilled by the prospect of motion.  And yes, I realize that I'm married to the wrong brand for motion capture.  Yet in my head, I'm blocking scenes and dreaming of creative cuts between them.

And then I stop myself, figuring that I shouldn't have the privilege of thinking such thoughts.  It's as though I'm cheating by not fully focusing on my day (and night and weekend) job as a mother.  I'm afraid that these thoughts might convey the idea that I'm not completely satisfied with my life choices.  After all, I do spend so many guilty moments fantasizing about the private practice I don't have, the patients I don't see, and the papers I don't publish.

It's not as if I had to redefine myself and my aspirations upon parenthood.  I've always wanted to parent and knew that it would be a fully engrossing endeavor.  But I never imagined that I'd spend so much time authoring books and going to law school in my head.


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